He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
