So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this beer tastes like vomit already
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
