but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
