there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
