The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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