You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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