Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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