Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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