Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
