the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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