her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
