The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
