I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
