Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
