i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
