oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
