i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
