Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
