GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
