There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
