where does the pee come out of this thing
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
