dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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