You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
