Kiss
Puke
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
