Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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