Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
