I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
