I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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