I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize