I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's shark week go big or go home
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
