Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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