Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
