I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
