I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
