We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize