I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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