I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Randomize
