My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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