the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
