I'm lost and stupid without you.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sarcasm needs its own font
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
