speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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