I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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