I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
