Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize