Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
