you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
