I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
