oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
zippers are such a cool invention
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize