Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
