It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
