Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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