I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
