imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize