god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
