There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can you bring me the toilet please
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
