I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize