Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
