Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
