Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize