im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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