Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
