Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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