as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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