Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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