I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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