When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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