Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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