My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
even my farts smell like vagina
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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