I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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