I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
